Our task this week was animal in nature.
“This week,” wrote my cruel challengers, “we are looking at Sydney Wildlife. We want you to take inspiration from the various animals that can be found in and around Sydney, and create your own Australian creature – whether it be a mash-up of existing animals (platypus, koala, wombat, emu– there’s plenty to choose from!) or a completely new species.
As always, the medium in which you deliver your entry is up to you, and you’ll be judged on creativity, community involvement and use of the resources available to you.”
Luckily, the challenge corresponded with a mission set to my eager team by the ambitious Royal Society, hoping to add new discoveries to their already impressive list by sending us into the depths of Sydney. “And this also…has been one of the dark places on earth,” said Conrad’s Marlow. And despite her penchant for sport, her cutting-edge fashion, her civilized landmarks, Sydney, like everywhere else, has been a dark place.
So with trepidation, we ventured into her black heart; we set out to discover her most obscure and fascinating creatures. Here, laid out for my reader’s eyes and minds, are our best findings:
29th August, 2009
My travels into the heart of Sydney take me closer, also, to the heart of man. Such a strange world; such a curious one! “Curiouser and curiouser,” as Alice said. Last week we encountered a handful of fascinating creatures: Kangaroos, Wallabees, Crocodiles. But today we found something entirely different. I feel certain that the Royal Society will welcome this discovery, when at long last we arrive home. My companion has temporarily dubbed this creature the Duck-Billed Kangadile; but I am certain, when our journey concludes and we are once again ensconced in the safe and stuffy realm of our University, that we shall find a more suitable name for this amazing beast. One of our enterprising team has made a sketch, which I reproduce here:
1st September, 2009
We have ventured even further into the heart of the city. Such delights, such horrors, await us! But through the beer-coloured haze we discerned today the most incredible, most extraordinary, discovery of all. Sadly the Royal Society shall not find this animal worthy of its honours; for the residents of Sydney have long been aware of this beast’s quiet presence, and forbid us to consider its discovery a finding of our own. But for our pains, they allow us to make an accurate depiction of it, and to describe it in proper scientific terms. So astounded, so flabbergasted were we, that we spent several hours in quiet observation before one of our more aggressive guides leapt forth and seized the creature; what happened after (a grilling of meat, a dousing of sweet and glorious sauce, a consumption of implausible quantities of cold and bittersweet ‘beer’) can only be described, by myself and my noble companions, as a sort of heavenly regional ritual. We are honoured and humbled to have been indoctrinated; though quite how we shall survive when we are back in bleakest England, without hope of such a refreshing creature, I scarcely know.
Our official description of the beast follows:
Flightless Queensland Bottle-Opener (Fantasia australis)
Found primarily in the most remote regions of Queensland, Fantasia australis, commonly known as the Flightless Queensland Bottle-Opener, or FQBO, is one of the most spectacular sights to behold in a nation teeming with spectacular sights. Here we have a creature which defies Darwin’s laws: built for the pleasure of Australian man (Homo sapiens australis), and Australian man alone, the FQBO staggers onward in the evolutionary race in spite of having few survival instincts. “It is difficult to believe in the dreadful but quiet war going on in the peaceful woods and quiet fields,” Darwin wrote—and indeed, to look upon the FQBO, it is difficult to believe that such a creature could ever have triumphed in such a war. Yet in spite of being flightless and easy prey for the passing human, this strange bird has managed to survive for generations, and shows no sign of dwindling in numbers or strength.
With a bill shaped like a bottle-opener, the FQBO is a must-have for any social occasion, and with fat wings and thighs, it is the most perfect fowl known to man for BBQs. Best of all, each FQBO carries its own bottle of barbecue sauce in a Kangaroo-like pouch, guarding the precious sauce until occasion or necessity demands the heavenly nectar be released.
In recent years, scientists have discovered that the FQBO possesses even more amazing properties. Its guano—traditionally ignored as a sticky and stinky substance–is one of the most effective sun-block creams on the market, and its curious tail-plumage can be used to cork hat-rims. The famously luxuriant crest on the FQBO’s head has most recently been employed in hair-replacement procedures for Shane Warne.
Though native to the Queensland region, the FQBO is frequently lured by ingenious Sydney-siders into New South Wales, where herds of the helpless and useful creatures are trapped and traded on the black-market. You will not find anything on the FQBO in your New South Wales guidebook; these miraculous birds are a local’s secret, and only if you manage to gain the rare and valuable trust of a true native will you manage to also reap the wonderful benefits of this most special creature.
(Please click on the image below; it shall magically enlarge, and it is well worth your time.)
(I must thank the wonderful Ed, of Rusty Bicycle fame, for his representation of the Duck-Billed Kangadile; and especially the spectacularly kind and talented Adrian Teal, for his portrayal—and indeed discovery—of the Flightless Queensland Bottle-Opener. Please know that they, not I, are primarily responsible for the findings described herein.)
